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(comment) What a difference a day makes.. [08 Feb 2008|09:56pm] [ mood | peaceful ] Okay so I feel like I shouldn't just rant and then not update that today was a new and better day. I slept in a little took a nice relaxing morning and had an off set hours day which made my commute easy-breezy today! I had a quiet office for my work day which was great and then tonight a Prayer Summit at the church that's linked with the ministry. I was unsure of what really it was going to be like but it was very refreshing. There was worship time and then 31 days of specific prayers brought up from scripture in a journal we were given. We paired up and I met someone nearby and we prayed over these issues. This massive church was filled with people! Everyone praying at the same time in pairs.. you could just hear this murmer if you paused. It was awesome. It made me think of how awesome our God is to be able to hear each and every word of our prayers that are spoken aloud and in our hearts. We have an amazing Lord who loves us and listens to us, even when we're angry or hurt or feel alone. I feel blessed to be refreshed at work through prayer. I think it's wonderful that our ministry and church takes time to strengthen each persons prayer life and emphasize it. So there ya go- the good, the bad and the ugly of life in my blog =P TGIF!

(comment) Everyone has bad days.. [07 Feb 2008|07:39pm] [ mood | frustrated ] t's been a long week already... I could have taken today off but I really did not need to-hours wise. I feel it's been non-stop all week. Long day at work Monday, didn't get home till about midnight from work Tuesday, Wednesday I woke up bright an early even though I had the opportunity to sleep in.. so I went in to work earlier than I expected and had a vet appointment for Charlie that night. Today I went in a little bit later to work which was better but then left at 4:15ish and ran into traffic- as usual. Well it turned out that a water main had broken on the highway and there was a sinkhole so everyone was traveling on the back road as I was. After only traveling about 3 miles in 30 minutes my car begins to overheat.. uh oh. Surrounded by traffic with no where to pull over I call Brad in desperation of what to do. He says to blast the furnace, which I did and it helped but I was in winter clothing and it got pretty uncomfortable. Finally the streets clear up a bit and I turn onto the 2nd to last street home. More traffic... nope an accident. Another 20 min wait and blasting of the furnace. All the while I was starving because we're out of groceries and I didnt bring as much food as I usually do to work. Yay. Over 2 hours later I'm home. So happy to just go in and relax. I open the door... to what looked like a toliet paper and boxes tornado went through my house and Charlie now locked in his kennel. Brad stopped to put him in his kennel and then left for his plans. Now here I sit... venting to all you people :) Arent you glad? Some supposed to be easy day / day off.. and I haven't seen my husband in about a week now too! rar.

(comment) 2008 and it's Greatness.. [06 Jan 2008|04:24pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] All I can say is wow. This past month has been a great adventure for me. I started my new job and was enjoying working with great people and having it so close to home. I was learning, slowly but surely all the processes that would be required. I felt pretty good about things. It was not my dream job, but it wasn't bad. I decided I'd keep my eye out for any jobs in adoption though. So one random day I get a call from my supervisor from my Internship at Project 1.27. He wanted to talk to me about a possible job opening! I tried not to get my hopes up to much, and stay focused on learning my current new job. A few phone calls later I find out the offer was a full time job but only guaranteed for 2 months. Yeah...2months. I'm thinking,"God what are you doing to me??" hehe. I struggled several days trying to decide what to do. This new job was only 2months, and about 2x as far from home than my current new job. However, it was what I wanted to do, it was in the field I thought I'd never make it into again. Kind of an open door that may never open again, but who knows. After praying and going back and forth I pretty much had my mind made up that I couldn't leave a steady good job for this risky chance, especially since our Jeep addition. We were now dependent on some of my paycheck. I was kinda let down and still was toying with the idea of taking the job until one night when I prayed and asked the Lord for a clear answer. Well I got one! I opened the daily Bible reading and it was James 1:1-27. Project 1:27 comes from James 1:27. So when I saw that I was shocked and knew what I had to do. So I called Chris the next day and told him I'd love to come and work. He was excited and let me know that he just got quite a sum of money that day in the mail and that God was already rewarding my faithfulness... Praise Him! It was great and I was humbled. I finished out the end of December at my other new job, and they were very gracious about everything. So I got to begin 2008 wonderfully working at Project 1.27 again! I see a lot of promise for 2008. Although I'm only guaranteed till March, I've stepped out and want to see what God has in store for my life. I've decided that in 2008 I want to see what God can do through me. I'm going to try to be open and willing and see His hand in my life if I listen and follow him closely. I've already started this today. In church this morning I decided to sign up for the first class the church offers that everyone is encouraged to go to. It covers baptism which is something I've been considering doing for awhile. The start of 2008 seems to be the best time as any. So hopefully soon I will have the physical baptism experience to go along with my personal commitment that seems to be renewed in me this year. I want to follow Christ and His will in my life- whatever it takes! (as Pastor Jeff said today). Also, a friend at church today mentioned that the Children's ministry could use help if I was at all interested. Well with this new outlook of being willing, I decided to go ahead and learn more about it and probably serve our church in that way. I'm a little hesitant but I know that it's not about me- but about what God can do if I'm willing. So.. I feel good about life. I'm in awe at God's hand in every aspect of my life and cannot wait to see whats in store for the rest of the year. I knew my heart was wanting a church like New Hope so much and now that we've found it and are getting so involved with Care Group and the marriage group and now children/youth ministry. It's wonderful. Christians need to be surrounded by other christians, if you are not, you do not know what you are missing! I would encourage any christian to find a great church home and to jump in with both feet and see how rewarding it is. :) So there it is. Thanks for everyone who was praying for me! I'll write more on P127 soon I'm sure!

(2 comments | comment) if you insist ... [27 Nov 2007|08:47pm] Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be! 1. Who was your best friend? Jenna and Dan 2.What sports did you play? sports? me?? 3. What kind of car did you drive? Same one I do now.. my honda civic :) 4. It's Friday nite...where r u? Most likely with Jenna, or home. 5. Were you a party animal? oh yeah.. paaartay. hahah 6. Were you considered a flirt? Nope.. "the quiet one" was more like it. 7. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir..? Choir, and I usually enjoyed it :) Thank goodness my friends were in the class to make it even better! 8. Were you a nerd? Sorta.. i dunno. 9. Did you get suspended/expelled? Nah, the worst that ever happened was getting kicked out of class.. and that was only in middle school cuz of Jenna and our laughing on our "fun day" yeah. 10. Can you sing the fight song? I can't even tell you if my college had a fight song. So hell no. ditto. 11. Who were your favorite teachers? Mr. Lombardi, Mr. Talley 12. Where did you sit during lunch? Drove home or to Jenna's or Erica's on a few occasions. 13.What was your school's full name? Ralston Valley High School 14. School mascot? Mustangs 15. Did you go to Prom? Nope.. and although everyone says you'll regret not going.. I don't really :P 16. If you could go back and do it again, would you? If I could go back I still prolly wouldn't go, cuz I was the "quiet one" and wouldn't fit in back then :P 17. What do you remember most about graduation? Being confused about when to go sing and kinda ticked that it was not the song the seniors wanted. :P Also going out to eat with family after at Applebee's :P 18. When did you graduate? May 2003 19. Did you have a graduation party? Yeah, for mostly family and my close friends. 20.Were you in any clubs? Clubs? Did we have those??? lol 21. Where did you go most often for lunch? Home :) Or maybe school started after lunch? I can't member my schedule. 22. Did you do something you regret? Not that I can think of. 23. What was your favorite class? Choir probably.. 24. Least favorite class? Chemistry was the hardest I think... 25. What were your school colors? Blue, lighter blue, silver/white 26. Are you planning on going to your 10 year reunion? Oh who knows. 27. Who was your home room teacher? We didn't really have home room...unless it was our English class maybe? *shrug* 28.Who will repost this? no one 29. Who was your high school crush? Tim Read 30. Do you still talk to people from high school? A few, but only those that were close or like my roomie in college :D 31. Are you still in the same place, doing the same thing, as the year after you graduated? Nope.. many changes have happened. High school really feels like a loooong time ago to me now. Weird.

(comment) Copy Cat cuz im bored [10 Nov 2007|10:30pm] [ mood | indifferent ] Three Things Three things that scare me: 1. Crowds of people and small spaces freak me out 2. Losing the ones I love 3. Never figuring out what I want to do with my life- career wise Three people who make me laugh: 1. Brad 2. my crazy family 3. my animals Three Things I love: 1. Travel 2. Reading 3. Art/Photography Three Things I hate: 1. When I'm last to know of things with friends and family 2. Eating/feeling sick all the time 3. City of Heroes which seems to be an addiction for some. Three things I don't understand: 1. Why women have to put up with crap every month and men have it easy. 2. Why mormons think they're christians 3. Why some anime is completely terrible in dubbed english but is good in subtitles Three things on my desk: 1. Computer 2. Crap-- meaning piles of papers that need to be gone through 3. A couple pictures Three things I'm doing right now: 1. Realizing that I have one day of freedom left till my workdom begins 2. Wondering why COH is so addicting 3. Being somewhat entertained by this quiz Three things I want to do before I die: 1. Travel the world, but especially to Italy and New Zealand 2. Have a family, not just a fur-baby aka Charlie 3. Perhaps adopt Three things I can do: 1. Draw anime 2. tap dance like a fool 3. Beat up Brad on Wii boxing Three ways to describe my personality: 1. friendly 2. quiet 3. 1/2 crazy Three things I can't do: 1. I'm not bilingual... freakin' jobs that require that is just wrong. 2. Swallow pills... seriously. 3. Eat dairy w/out help :P

(1 comment | comment) Catching up.. [29 Jul 2006|10:10pm] [ mood | exhausted ] Alright, so Myspace stole my attention for awhile. But I figure I'll update on here as well! So A LOT has happened since the last post! The most important is that I'm engaged and planning my wedding for next May 5th!! Cinco de Taylo!! YAY! 9 months to go... Time is already flying by. Less than a month after his proposal, I got to go back to KY with him to see where he grew up and meet some more of his family/friends! It was great! Very different from what I've known but beautiful..and I got to see FIREFLIES!! AND, we went to Ichthus! It was this big Christian concert festival that lasts 3 days. I saw 12 concerts! It was amazing.. made up for all those I never went to in my teen years :P A week after I returned home, I started my new online school. I'm now over 1/2 done with my term, and will start a new one end of Aug. It's going VERY well! I'm so happy with it. I'm learning a lot and it's stuff I'm interested in and can use the rest of my life. Totally perfect for what I wanted. Hopefully I'll finish end of April if all goes according to plan! Giving me time to finish up stuff for the wedding and planning for life after the honeymoon...:D Today another major change took place..it was moving day. I had to say g'bye to my roomie of 3 short years. All the last times I've moved I was so excited. And today was just different. It was bittersweet because in one way we're closing in on the end of our college years which is exciting and scary at the same time and new exciting things are to come in the near future. Yet again, it was the end of an ERA..heh. It was hard to leave. Hard to return the apartment to the blank way it was before we came.. cuz so much happened between then and now! We had so much fun together, she was the bestest roomie a person could have-- seriously. I never would have made it through the 3 years without her up there w/ me! I can't believe it is all over so fast. Of course we will always be close friends, but I'm gonna miss having her around all the time... I mean who can I bug now??? :) It was kind of an ending for me in another way as well. Driving by UNC and seeing it and remembering everything and just knowing that I'll never be a part of that again and that I wont graduate with my friends. It was just hard to know its the end of that part of my life. I can't complain though, I'm happy with how my school is going.. It was the right choice. I will get to be around Brad and my mom, and plan the wedding! It will be a good 9 months. And then I'll be marrried...wow. Only 9 short months. Then a major life change and *groan* another move. (sorry m'just realllly worn out from today!! so moving sounds BLAH) But how exciting that will be! I'm enjoying planning it already.. but theres much to be done! And now, onto the next chapter...

(comment) [25 Apr 2006|11:18pm] [ mood | melancholy ] It always seems like life's goin along and things are going good and you are genuinely happy, when something comes along to throw a wrench in the path. I'll never get used to how that happens. It's a sinful world, where people are gonna let you down, I'm sure I've let people down before.. and theres just nothing you can really do about it. It just sux.. and it will continue to suck until Christ returns. Tha's the good part. Everyone knows how I like my happy endings.. and at least I know that no matter what goes on, I'll have my happy ending.

(comment) [12 Apr 2006|02:04pm] [ mood | chipper ] I'm excited to say that things are finally falling into place.. or they seem to be anyway. Awhile ago I found out that the online college I was thinking about attending wasn't gonna work anymore...they required about 80 more credit hours above UNC's majors to graduate. So it was gonna cost a fortune and I really did not wanna be stuck in school that much longer. So I felt defeated and started my search again, but each time it just left me grumpier. One night I decided to look again, and almost didn't cuz I was in such a good mood and didnt wanna ruin it...but I did anyway. It was only about 5 min later that I found Liberty University! I'm very excited about it. I'm gonna do a Psychology major there. I have more than half the psych courses done anyway and I feel that this will allow me a job where I can make a difference. It's a Christian school and so it has electives I'm really interested in and the viewpoint w/ Psych that will be helpful in ministry I think. Also they have 8-week courses.. so hopefully I can finish on time in a year! :D It's affordable and everything. I kept waiting for another let down w/ it but I've applied, and gotten even more info which is great. It feels like it's a good fit. I'm excited! I haven't been excited about school for awhile now, so it feels great. Hopefully I'll start late June, so I still have some summer and it wont even interfer w/ my trip to KY w/ Brad :) There was my concern over just getting a Bachelors degree in Psych cuz a lot of the jobs you need a masters or higher...but I've looked into it, and there still are opportunities for just a bachelors. So yay! Right now I'm just enjoying life and riding out the end of the semester up here in Cow town...going to a-town quite a bit to see Brad n family on the weekends. It's kinda nice to just have time to do whatever again, w/out lots of stress over work and school. I got 6 school-days left, including finals, and I just finished my big paper a few days ago. So now it's just 2 m.c. finals and freedom!

(comment) Good times had by all... [03 Apr 2006|06:54pm] [ mood | satisfied ] This weekend I had quite a lot of fun :) I actually went down to a-town Thursday afternoon and hung out w/ my mom and stuff... Then Friday, we went shopping--YAY, yes I actually had fun shopping for clothes again!! It's awesome. I bought a couple fun shirts , one I wore that night. Friday night I finally went to watch my b/f and brother's band-- Pouring Out, play at Andolini's. I have heard their stuff but never actually saw them perform before. I kinda admit I didn't go cuz for one, usually its somewhere smoky and whatever and I wouldnt like it...and two, I was jealous/angry that it took my b/f away from me, and that it was such a big committment to him. Now I realize I was being childish and that I should've supported him in it since he liked it so much. So I decided to go as soon as I could...and besides, Friday night was the "friday of all fridays" apparently :P It was a lot of fun tho. Before, my bro and his wife and Brad came for dinner and we left from there. We got in the "band" part of the bar before anyone and didnt get charged the cover cuz we're w/ the band. haha. Good times. We sat right up front and center and the place was at capacity 20 min before the show. So that was awesome. My mom even showed up right before they started --haha that was a surprise to us all, especially my bro!!! (Not exactly her type of music).. So it was a great time, I loved watching Brad perform and have fun..and it was kewl seeing my bro enjoy it too. People the band didnt know and whatever ended up moshing at the end which was kinda funny. I'm glad I went...s'kewl and they're really good (even if it's kinda angry music). Saturday everyone kinda got a later start from being tired from the gig the night before, but Brad and I enjoyed the nice weather and watched a movie. Then we were all invited to my other bro's for dinner. Got to see the crazy kiddos which was fun and eat some good food. :) I enjoyed spending the day w/ Brad tho :D Sunday was kinda a lazy day too..nothing much went on but that night my Mom and I went w/ my cousin and aunt's crew to Woody's for Trivia night. It was a great time. I got to meet my cousin's b/f and some of her other friends and just hang out and have fun. Our team name was "Inspired by Your Underwear" haha...yeah dont ask. Anywho, we got every answer right the first round and won 2 t-shirts: whoo! They gave one to me for being the only one who knew a right answer to a Dark Angel question! Oh yeah, go me...the sci-fi geek! :D We played 2 more rounds and actually ended up getting 1st place! I'm not sure that they've gotten 1st before, and the group goes a lot. So that was sweet. We got a 40$ gift card to spend there :) We all had fun and of course we can go any Sunday which is kewl. I'm sure I'll go again. So my weekend was full of fun!! :P Next weekend looks like it'll be some good times as well.. I only have 4 more weeks of school left too! YAY. I think I can handle that... M'looking forward to the summer~ nice weather, vacations, camping/hiking etc, swimming, all the fun times! I think I'm doin good so far w/ my plan to have more fun...we'll see what else I can manage ;)

(comment) Live it up! [23 Mar 2006|11:04pm] [ mood | determined ] Okay, time for a change. I'm tired of sitting around all the time and then wondering why I'm all blah! I'm 20 years old dang it and I should be out having fun! Going out, trying new things, having adventures...obviously you can't do this every night, but still. I want more. I'm gonna do my best to change! :) S'all. hehe

(comment) Babble. [21 Mar 2006|05:44pm] [ mood | indifferent ] Wow, I can't believe it's the end of March already...Spring Break is over. It seemed like it would never come and now it's gone! I didn't do anything terribly exciting over break. Went to A-town and hung out w/ my family for a few days. Went to Dave and Buster's w/ Brad, and then worked a couple days. The rest of the time I did nothing. It was good to do nothing though. By the weekend my blahs started to go away a bit. It was good...I could feel my prayers being answered and me feeling more like myself again and happy at times. I still kinda feel blah but not as stuck in the rut that I was in w/ those blahs. :P The past few days have been good. I do have my rough moments...like today I thought I was doin ok in a class, getting 80's on tests but it turns out that his grading scale for that class is different, so a B is an 82-91 or whatever. Great. Oh well. Screw that. I'm really not into school anymore as many of you may know. I hope stuff starts to get even more on track, then I'd be even better. Oh well --1 day at a time. 13 more school days for me, and maybe 2 more work nights!! Huzzah! A fresh start is around the corner!! Hope all is well w/ everyone!

(comment) Sorting life out is draining [01 Mar 2006|10:41pm] [ mood | drained ] Wow.. where shall I start? After a day from HELL at work on Saturday, everything came crashing down on me. I felt I could see everything crumbling to pieces. Brad was there to hold me together for a bit. The next day I began thinking about everything and again freaked out. Then ended up fighting w/ Brad and that I couldn't handle...everything else was wrong but I just couldn't have that be going down too. We ended on an okay note. But I haven't cried that much in who knows how long, if ever. I cried for 2 days it seemed, and until I couldn't cry anymore. It completely sucked. I thought Monday I could maybe get back on track w/ things. Although it didn't look promising. I had a midterm I hadn't studied for, homework I never did and 2 projects that were way behind from before. I ended up sleeping through my midterm. Yeah. When I woke up panicked like you do when your brain kicks in knowing you shouldnt be sleeping, I saw the clock and it was too late. I couldn't even get up. I stayed in bed all day pretty much. It was kinda pathetic. That night after talking to some friends and my mom I realized something. Everyone was asking "well, what do you want?" and I couldnt answer them. I spent so much of my time doing things because I was supposed to, because I didnt want to disappoint people, because I was told from whomever that it was best for me, that I lost sight of me, and what I want. I always thought I had a strong sense of identity but over the last couple years I've grown and changed quite a bit. So, the last few days I've spent a lot of time alone. I took some time for me to really figure things out. And after a couple days I'm starting to feel a little better. Lately I really haven't felt like me at all, and I think I'm slowly coming back. So after all that soul searching here's what I've come to realize I want/dont want so far. **I dont want to continue to go to school here. I just feel I'm done here, my energy is gone, and I have no motivation to finish. I have looked into online schools and I may do a Visual Communications online degree. Hopefully I could do it in the 13 month program. They even help you find a job in your field and stay w/ you if you want later to get ahead in the company. Sounds like something to look into further anyway. **I do not want to have to worry about money as much as I do now, take the financial pressure off while I'm in school. **I do want to start some projects I've been thinking about and havent had the energy or time for. **I also thought about maybe volunteering if I dont work. So in order for some of the things I want to happen, it looks like moving home this summer would be a good option. I'm not 100% sure yet, but it seems right. My family is a big part of my life, always has been. My b/f is down there and I'd see him a lot more. My church is down there, and I'd have more motivation to go cuz everyone in my family does. I'd prolly not work which would allow me to focus on school, my projects and everything. I could make my basement into a living area kinda separate from my parents which would be good since we're both used to having a place to our own now. I do however, LUV living with my roomie, who's the bestest girl ever, shes like family now. I do enjoy having a place of my own where we can have stuff the way we want, come and go and be crazy sometimes. But Greality isnt the greatest place.. so yeah. M'still sorting some stuff out in my head tho :P I guess my thinking has done some good. Starting to see what I want. Starting to feel better. Right now I plan to try and just finish the semester, however I feel I can. Honestly I don't care about school much right now. Like I said, I'm done here. I dunno about my crappy job. I dread it every time and it's wearing me thin too. I need a fresh start. I do plan on starting some of my own projects and looking into that online school. So that's what I'll focus on now. This week almost doesnt seem real to me. Heh. I'm in my own world and may be that way for awhile longer. Thanx to all my friends for being awesome and supportive. Forgive me if I've been a lil quiet, crazy and grumpy -- you're the best, luv you all.

(comment) Life changing thoughts [23 Feb 2006|11:30am] [ mood | thoughtful ] So today in my Psych class we were discussing how college really doesn't prepare people for jobs in their degree. And the longer I'm here the more I think it's true. The professor agreed w/ us as well. Psychology majors only do 1 internship for a semester I believe. For my art degree a internship isnt even required. I've heard they don't really even help you find one even though it comes "highly recommended". In class they were talking of how Special Ed teacher programs in CO have become even more generalized. My professor works with Autistic children and whole-heartedly agreed that it's not the best to have it be generalized. Many people just decide thats what they want without any actual experience and then after a couple weeks actually on the job after college decide that it's totally not what they expected or wanted. The prof commented how its hard for 18,19 up to 25 or 30 yr olds to really know what they would want to do. She said many of her 30 -40 yr old friends she's seen go in totally different directions. There is so much pressure for young adults to just know what they want and are expected to have a plan for their future. As I take more and more art classes I'm beginning to wonder if this is really what I want. All the signs pointed for me to be an art major, because it is my strength.. I dunno tho, I keep hearing "what will you do with that degree?" and "well, it's good just to have ANY degree in todays working world" and whatever. At first I was convinced I could find I job that I would love after college doing something with my art degree. That I would prove everyone wrong and that it would be useful to me...but now I don't even know. I feel like I should know tho, I'm a freakin' second semester Junior... I force myself to go to class every day and I just sit there wondering what I'm doing there. I feel pressured to finish since I've come this far, that it'd be a shame if I just stopped... plus my parents money gone into it, I'd feel like they would think I'd wasted it all. Then again I think I know why I don't have any more motivation. It's not right. I used to always see myself going to college and getting a Bachelors degree from a University. I thought how kewl it would be to have that accomplishment and be an alumni of a University. I guess it was my dream. As high school ended, pressure was on to pick a college and a future, so I did what I was "supposed" to do. I picked a school. Eventually the pressure was on to pick a major and so then I did that after a year at college, cuz it's what was "supposed" to happen. Now I have a year and a half of school left about and I'm looking back and realizing I've always done what I've been told or what was "supposed" to happen according to who-- society, my parents, schools/teachers... So even though I'm not really happy, should I just do what I'm supposed to? Go to school in the summer and continue into the fall to finish my last year of college? GAH.. I'm tired of doing everything I'm expected to do!! Just because it's right?? Is it even right? Would it be right... even if I'm unhappy?? People have told me that it is... What is right? Maybe I dont want to do art as a career... maybe I luv it and I can feel it getting pushed into work and something I could someday not enjoy at all, which I don't want to happen, yet it's happening. Maybe it should always be an extra, a hobby, a part of me but not a career. Why am I just figuring this out now??? After 3 freaking years...all the money and hard work. I have to say that even if I do end up not finishing I wouldnt regret one year here learning all aspects of art that I have. I've learned and done things I never thought I'd be able to. I'm just now figuring out life and the tricky thing is that it's always changing.. I myself as a young adult, no longer want an art career. I dont want to live away from my family and my b/f. I don't want to work a retail job anymore that is mindless. What do I want? I'm not entirely sure. A part of me does want to finish school, but I'm afraid it's just because I'm a people pleaser. I do want to get married and be a wife and someday a mother. I do want to live close to my family and be involved like I once took for granted. I do want to volunteer and get involved in a home church not just a temp church while I'm inbetween.. I do want to have a job I like, whether that's an freelance crazy artist, travel agent, baker, event planner, etc. A part of me wanted a degree because I was measuring my self worth w/ it.. But honestly, it doesn't make up who I am. I don't need it. I'm not sure if anyone will understand this...heh, we'll see where life takes me.

(comment) Back to what matters [10 Feb 2006|06:09pm] [ mood | hopeful ] Today I melted down again at home after class, alone. It isn't that unusual for me these days. I've been struggling for awhile. I just felt so lost and hollow. I knew what I needed to do, but my human nature was fighting it and I still can't understand why. I reached for my Bible. I wasn't sure what I was looking for though, comfort? direction? probably both and more. At first I let my Bible just fall open to a random page and would just read random verses, on occassion I've had it open to exactly what I needed to hear. But this time was different, I was looking for a quick fix and God knew that and it really wouldn't help me in the long run. So I turned to the back and looked up verses for the words and emotions that filled me at the time. As I read the verses, one here or there, it's like I felt the spinning out of control slow down and gave me a glimmer of hope back to what my life could be like. God's word is my safe place. They are soothing words. Words that I know and that are what is true and right. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that magically everything was better, reading a few verses did not make my worries or problems disappear, didn't make all the bad stuff go away, but it did get me to remember how to fix things. I prayed and felt completely vulnerable which is a scary feeling but I needed to trust God. I realized I was relying on myself and my own means, and not God. I wanted the control, I wanted it my own selfish way thinking that I could handle my own life by myself, a drive to be independent. Yeah, that did not work out so well. I have this bad cycle of drifting away and then crawling back to Jesus broken or beat down. You'd think I'd learn. I'm just so thankful to have such a loving and kind Savior who will always take me back in His arms. The safest place to be. I had to get past all my worries and problems with life and get down to what is most important, my God. Why live at all if it's not for Him? Everything else in this world is pointless. So I prayed for him to clear my racing mind of my worries and asked Him to help me focus on His word. The key to true happiness in life. All the answers on how to live. So I sat down in a quiet comfy place and opened to Matthew. It's a good place to start. I've read it before, but it seems you always find something different each time, and it's kind of addicting :) I'm gonna do a chapter a day. It's not much but enough and it's do-able with a crazy college schedule. I enjoyed the time I spent doing it, I'm not sure why I was so reluctant to do it again in the first place. It didn't make me feel better about everything, all the worries were still there, but now it doesn't seem as scary or overwhelming because I know I'm not alone in facing it all. I will take it a day at a time with Jesus by my side. Yanno, I've heard that we should be thankful for our struggles because that is when we are closest to God, and I now believe that to be true.

(1 comment | comment) Am I done yet? [01 Feb 2006|08:58pm] [ mood | sick ] So this week has been a rough one for me. Where do I begin? :P I thought I only had a mild crappy cold and it started going away. Then it somehow effected my eyes, which never happened to me before. Very sensitive to light and swollen and painful to open my eyes and when I did they'd just tear and tear like crazy. That lasted about 2 days. No school for me, I'd rather actually be in school than that miserable again. Gah, never take your eyesight for granted ppl! It's especially important for VISUAL artists...yeah. So I woke up today and my eye was pretty much better, so I made it to classes, which was very neccessary for today I had stuff to turn in and whatever. I was feeling okay, okay enough to go to work I thought. So I get to work and about 20 min after being there I was working w/ 2 other girls and almost, or did pass out. Im not quite sure if I was unconcious completely or not. Things went black, I fell down, then I hear ppl, OMG are you okay? etc. I tell them I'm fine and start to work when it happens again but I catch myself. So then my sweet co-workers call the manager and she sends me home. After being very nice and concerned. My manager was very worried about me...almost made another manager drive me home. heh. I convinced her I'd be okay sitting down driving and that I only live like 2 min away, so she let me go. yay. So thats a new one for me. Once I was home I cried and had a melt down over life. Just following up on the beginning of the meltdown that started last night. I think m'over stressed out and my body is telling me that. So my mom's really worried now and wants me to see a doctor. Ok, but now I dunno if I should miss class cuz I'll miss crucial stuff which will make me lost and stressed later. GAH! Should I see a doc right away or eventually... hehe Should I attempt to go to class and work tomorrow or what? rarr. Things are going to be changing soon though, I can tell ya that! M'tired of feeling pressure and isolated. Things WILL change. I do have choices. I gotta member that! So hope all of you friends are doing better at the game of Life than me! Take care all!~

(comment) Back to Skool... Back to Skool.. [09 Jan 2006|04:03pm] [ mood | determined ] Monday, Monday..... So today went pretty well. Had my photo and painting classes today. Both kinda intimidating and overwhelming, but hopefully I can handle it, I'll just take it one day at a time. M'glad to say I have some friendly faces in my classes so far. Both are easy to get to and whatnot, in familiar areas. So that's all good. This semester is gonna get quite pricey tho. EEP. But it's all relative in the end yanno. M'kinda glad I only have 2 studio classes this semester cuz it looks as if Painting is gonna have a lot of outside work and so is photo. I guess every picture I take is on my own time. Class time is used for other things... like daily quizzes and stuff. Joy. Painting I have homework projects, plus in-class ones.. and a couple tests and a research presentation! Whew... I can do this right? Yeah. Tomorrow I have some elective courses, so they should hopefully be pretty interesting for me. I hope things go well tomorrow too! I've already looked into summer courses, and it seems I can take some electives online, which would be great! And also a gym credit, prolly bowling :D haha. Good times. If I wanna take any art electives in the summer they last for 5-6 days and are like 9am-6:30pm every day. Sooo...we'll see about that hehe. It doesnt look like any core classes are offered for my art program in the summer tho. Oh well... I need electives as well. S'all the same. As long as I take 10 this summer, I'll be okay to graduate on time! YAY. I'm feeling more motivated than I have been the past couple semesters. Hopefully it will last. I know the end is near...the sweetness of promise of a real career someday is calling... and moving outta Greality. Hope everyone had a great Monday :)

(comment) 2006!! Whoo! [02 Jan 2006|11:04am] [ mood | cheerful ] Happy New Year everyone! Already 2006, only a year away from the year I so have been looking forward to, when hopefully college comes to an end. In a way it seems close, and may even go too fast. This year I want to try and enjoy every moment of school, cuz I think since I have been in it for so long I take it for granted. An really its a great privledge to go to a University and study something I love, I know not everyone is able to do that so I'll try n stop my whining. :) The holidays are over and usually I'm kinda bummed over that fact when things start to become normal and routine again, yet this year I'm thankful for the fact! All the holidays were great this year, but the days inbetween were pretty terrible, so maybe it was tainted. I brought in the new year just exactly how I'd wanted to. With Brad and with my family :) It was a lot of fun. My brother just finished his basement into his theater room, a projector screen and stage and everything, even the lights are like a real theater, it's awesome. I teased I would set up a stand and charge ppl to make some extra cash. hehe Brad and I both agree that we will someday have our own theater as well :). New Years day was a fun one as well. We all went up to Estes to my aunts, saw my Dad's side of the family and played family Bunco! after dinner. I pretty much sucked at it, and we were laughing about how we were a gambling family, cuz we played w/ real money. It allowed us to move around and play w/ everyone, cuz my family is so big sometimes you only talk to a few in the time your together. It was good times. We headed back home and an hour or so later, Brad's family showed up :) So we spent the rest of the evening chattin w/ them. :) Got to meet Brad's bro, and his wife. She's really sweet. Think we'll get along just fine. I love his family, they are all sweet people, and I'm so glad for that! Brad and Mom are working today, but Dad and I are here. I guess I missed everyone eating breakfast cuz I was still snoozin away (imagine that). Now they've gone to Estes Park for the afternoon :) Hope they'll enjoy that. Tomorrow, we're all goin skiing!! It should be very interesting since I havent been in like 2-3 years. haha. For Brad it will be his first time, and I guess both his bro and Jessica ski. I'm so lucky to have gotten the 1-4th off! No work and I get to spend the time w/ his family. So yay! We will have some great times this week :) I'm sure of it. As for the new year, for some reason I'm excited. I feel like this will be a good year for a lot of people. It seems to hold so much promise. Of course there will be both the ups and the downs, but I know we will make it through it and soon we will be looking back at the year and it all just being a memory. May God Bless You all this year!!

(1 comment | comment) Merry Christmas Belated! [28 Dec 2005|12:09pm] [ mood | sleepy ] Merry Christmas everyone! Hope you all enjoyed the holiday :) I was able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas w/ my family and Brad :) So that made me very happy. The kidlets were perfect ages for it this year, everything was super exciting! Matthew who is 4 now, yelled out everything he got as he opened them. lol It was fun. Christmas Eve service was good, food was good--ate too much as usual, and company was good. Yet, I'm glad its all over, and soon things will get back to normal. I think my job definitely affected my Christmas spirit this year. I knew this week after at work would be bad too, but its hell right now. The thought that I may haveta still work there for another 1-2 years makes me ill. Hopefully I'll find something else. We'll see. S'kinda quiet up in Greeleyville right now, no one really around my apt complex much. My lucky roomie's spending the week w/ family which is awesome :) It'll be good when she's back tho :) I gotta wait till Friday to see my luv again..hopefully the next 2 days will fly by like time usually does. Everythings been so busy, havent had time for much lately...and it'll prolly stay busy till I go back to school to a different kind of busy. Brad's family should be here the beginning of next week! That should be fun :) Hope I'll get some days off to see them. S'all for now! Everyone get ready for 2006!! :)

(comment) Meltdown. [08 Dec 2005|05:50pm] [ mood | anxious ] I just can't handle it anymore. Yet I dont know how to fix it to make things better. *sigh* s'all.

(comment) Oh the weather outside is frightful!! [07 Dec 2005|11:14pm] [ mood | cold ] I just got home from work tonight around 11pm and there was ice both inside and outside of my car! It is so cold every breath is a cough... crazy. I just looked and it's -15* F out right now. BRRRR. I don't ever remember it being this cold... But I guess what do you expect after "hurricane" winds in CO, for a couple days.... weird weather ppl!! In other news, I'm very tired... it is finals week..*sigh* And not a very good one for me this fall. heh. I had one of my psych finals, which went pretty well. I'm not worried bout that one at least. Then I came home worked 6 hours straight on a G. D. project which is due tomorrow. I had to go work tonight. I wanted to go to the printers and have it at least ready to put together in the morning but I didnt get to that. So now I get to finish it, wake up early, go to the printers and Micheals or Hobby Lobby get stuff to put it together and make it to my final around 1ish. I have a test in there as well... but no idea what it's over haha! Then I get to study all day till I go to work tomorrow, and then wake up friday bright and early for my last psych final!!! Then I am FREEEEEE.. until I work all night Friday. :P Oh well. Only 17 days till Christmas!! S'goin fast!!! S'all for now.

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